When I first moved to New York, I moved into a tiny railroad apartment designed for families who don’t know the meaning of privacy. I met my new roommate on Craigslist, and we put up these funny yellow cushions surrounded by bubble wrap to separate my small room and hers. Suffice to say – the sound barrier was non-existent.
If anything, our little DIY barrier served to amplify sound.
My roommate was this fabulous woman in her late thirties who described herself as being in her sexual prime. She often brought home lovers, and let’s say I had first-row tickets to the show.
At first, I found the sounds frustrating, as I’m a really light sleeper. However, once I woke up in the middle of the night to the sounds of their moans, it really turned me on. It wasn’t about my roommate per se, but about the ability to get a sense of someone’s sensual experience as an outsider.
Eventually, I felt a bit creepy listening to them without their consent, and I bought high-quality earplugs. But this experience helped me learn that I find listening to other people’s sexual encounters arousing.
Since then, I have experienced this voyeuristic arousal many times:
- Watching a couple make love against their window.
- Going to events that featured nudity.
- And eventually, going to sex parties designed to facilitate both exhibitionist and voyeuristic experiences.
Table Of Contents
What Is Voyeurism?
Voyeurism is experiencing arousal by watching or otherwise observing folks engage in sexual activity or nudity [1]. Although we often think of voyeurism as involving enjoying watching sexual experiences, it can also include hearing others engage in sexual acts, watching videos of sex, or even being told about sexual activities.
A very common type of voyeurism is cuckolding (Read about it here), which is arousal by sharing your partner or watching your partner have sex with another partner. It’s a widespread fetish, often involved with a power dynamic. The cuckold takes a submissive role and may be in a situation where they are “forced” to watch their partner experience pleasure from someone other than them.
Whether this sexual gratification comes from sperm competition or eroticizing jealousy, many folks, particularly men, get excited by this voyeuristic dynamic.
When folks hear about voyeurism, it may invoke images of creepy older men spying on women in the shower. Or trying to slide a spycam under ladies’ skirts. Although these sexual disorder cases happen and fall within the realm of voyeurism, I will be focusing this article on consensual voyeurism, which is a far more common sexual desire.
Consentual vs Non-Consentual Voyarism
Obviously, folks who go to a sex party to have sex in a room full of people consent to be watched. But in other more ambiguous cases, it’s less clear whether consent is present.
For example, did my roommate consent to me listening to her have sex? Did the couple who was having sex against their window consent to onlookers to watch? How does this ambiguous middle ground differ from the peeping tom with the spycam going under women’s skirts?
Consent
Receiving explicit verbal consent to watch someone engage in a sexual act is the ideal situation.
However, exhibitionists and voyeurists have a reciprocal relationship, and some folks have sex in risky places because the thrill of potentially being watched sexually aroused them.
If someone has sex in public or comes into your space and has sex, it may be hard not to take a little peek. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong.
Communication
However, the best voyeuristic and exhibitionist dance involves communication. The first step as a voyeur is to ensure that you have consent to watch or listen.
For example, if I wanted to continue to listen to my roommate have sex, I should let her know I can hear her and maybe express that I find it enjoyable. She can then decide if she is comfortable with this, and if not, she can learn to keep it down or have sex somewhere else.
Personalization
Beyond this, exhibitionists get off on curating a show for voyeurs, and when voyeurs express their sexual excitement – they may be able to experience a more personalized show. For example:
- Do you prefer to listen to a couple have sex through the crack in the door instead of being inside the room?
- Or do you want them to look at you or pretend you are not there?
- Do you want to see them have sex in a particular position?
Through communication, you can work together to curate an experience that is exciting for both parties.
Why are People Into Voyeurism?
Voyeurism allows us to take a step back and see a sexual encounter from another perspective.
- Some folks enjoy watching people have sex because it allows them to see what the throws of pleasure look like when not involved in the act. Others are into it because watching people have sex is taboo, as it is a very private act.
- In addition, for the most part, we only see sexual experiences that we are involved in. By watching others have sex, we can see how others do it. It gives us ideas of what to try ourselves and a unique look into what others do. Also, naked people = sexy. People experiencing pleasure = fun to watch. The math adds up pretty clearly.
- Some folks with voyeuristic desires experienced an early childhood experience of hearing or watching their parents or other adults having sex. An experience like this during a critical time of development can develop a voyeuristic fetish. Many folks with this type of experience will grow up engaging in consensual voyeurism, and few may develop an unhealthy voyeuristic disorder with their fetish.
How do you know if you are into Voyeurism?
Unlike many other fetishes, many folks may be into voyeuristic activities and not realize it.
Do you enjoy going to the beach and looking at the beautiful bodies? Or do you like to watch your partner touch them and look up at you? Do you find the idea of hiring a stripper exciting? Do you enjoy checking out live cams?
All of these acts involve receiving joy from watching others.
How Common is Voyeurism?
The only research on consensual voyeurism was collected by Justin Lehmiller in his book Tell Me What You Want. He found that 72% of men and 48% of women have fantasized about voyeurism. It’s less than the 81% of men and 84% who fantasized about being in the role of the exhibitionist who has sex in public. Of these participants, 7% of women and 13% of men reported having sexual fantasies about engaging in non-consensual nudity, with far more fantasizing about having sex in front of a willing audience.
There are very few studies on voyeuristic sexual behavior. A Swedish study found that 8% of people reported at least one experience of being turned on by spying on others having sex. 12% of these folks were men, and 4% were women.
Another smaller U.S. study found that 42% of males had at least one experience of secretly watching others in sexual situations. I wonder if the vast difference between countries is due to the distinct ways that each country teaches sex education and thinks about sexual behaviors more broadly.
How to Explore Voyeurism?
There are so many fun and consensual ways to enjoy voyeur kink. If you are exploring with a partner, I suggest starting slow before potentially exploring this with others.
- You can try watching porn together and sharing what parts turn each other on.
- Or you can watch your partner masturbate and tell them what about the experience turns you on.
- You can even create more of a voyeuristic vibe, with you watching them through a crack in the door or a window.
- You can even film yourselves having sex and watch back on it to enjoy it from another perspective.
- Or have sex in front of a mirror.
If all this goes well, perhaps you can find ways to explore with other couples.
For example, maybe you can find some exhibitionists who would love to have you watch them have sex. Perhaps you can find a sex-positive community. Or a party to attend where there are plenty of opportunities for consensual voyeurism. Maybe you can go to a naked beach or an event and see how it feels to be around many naked people.
Voyeurism Fetish Infographic
We have summarized our voyeurism fetish article in this handy infographic. Please share!
Happy exploring!
Niki
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